Q. We would like to attend a Swingers Club, but we do not want to have sex with just anyone or be pressured into doing anything we do not feel comfortable with. Do we have to participate if we do not want to?
A. Absolutely NOT. Check with the club owner. Also, most have websites where you can gather information. They should all have a set of rules or codes of conduct. The #1 Rule should be No means No. If it is not the #1 Rule at any swingers club you are looking to attend, we would not recommend you go there.
Q. There seem to be a lot of swingers websites out there for finding other swingers. Do you recommend one over all others?
A. There are quite a few websites that promote the Lifestyle, and make it possible to meet other like minded people. Some of the best are nationwide, but there are also regional and local sites that focus on a particular part of the country. You should be able to find a site that makes you feel comfortable. SexxyMofo is an amazing national swingers website with active swingers from around the country.
Q: Our marriage is in trouble. Will swinging help save our marriage?
A: No, and that is a common misconception. In fact, if you do not have a stable, loving, trusting relationship, you should not try swinging at all. When you first start out, both of you may experience a range of emotions, including jealousy and doubt. One partner may wonder why the other feels the need to have sexual relations with someone else in the first place. You MUST be able to openly and honestly communicate these feelings, and discuss them with your partner. Troubled marriages rarely have these traits, which may be one reason why there is trouble. Do not try swinging uless there is an open line of communication between you both.
Q. How do we go about meeting other swingers?
A. There are many ways to meet other like-minded couples and singles who are also interested in the lifestyle. Before the Internet became so prevalent, swinger personal ads were placed in newspapers and specialty publications. Now, there are several online sites, such as SexxyMofo. On SexxyMofo, you can create a profile, then search other profiles for compatible couples and singles. Most sites allow for FREE a trial membership, but paid members are offered many more features and privileges. SexxyMofo hosts Meet and Greets at various clubs which allow you to meet others, usually in a public place.
Swinger Clubs are another great way to meet couples. Not all clubs allow single men. The club settings are generally more private. Depending on the laws of a given locality or State, sexual contact is usually not permitted at Off Premise clubs. Liquor Laws also have an impact on this. On Premise clubs usually allow, even encourage, sexual activity where as Off Premise Clubs tend to be for those looking to dance and meet other swingers with no pressure to hook up.
Q. How do you tell people that you are not interested in them?
A. This can be a difficult thing to do. No one wants to hurt anyones feelings, and in general, most people just do not like to be the rejector or the rejectee.
The best way to do it is to be straight forward about it, and tell them right away. It is like pulling off a bandage, do it quickly, because it might hurt initially, but that goes away pretty soon. Be honest, but be nice. If there is no attraction, say so. You do not have to be too specific, as in, I like your wife, but my wife is not attracted to you. If the other couple asks why, well, then perhaps you should let them know, but again, be nice Swingers are usually a tight not group and all truly understand how to respect others feelings.
We have met hundreds of wonderful swing couples in this Lifestyle. Many of them have become lifelong friends, but we have played with few of those friends. Sometimes, one of us was not attracted to the opposite of the other couple. Sometimes, neither of us was attracted to either of them. Sometimes, one or both of them was not attracted to us. But we liked them and enjoyed spending time with them, so we remained friends. Not everybody is willing to do that. Once rejected, some people become defensive, which can be a natural response.
One of the great things about most of the people in the Lifestyle is that they are open and honest with other Lifestyle couples. To continue that, it is best that you be open and honest with all couples you meet. Have fun with The Lifestyle and try not to make it too complicated.
Q. You talk a lot about couples. Are singles allowed to participate?
A. Oh yes, singles are welcome, and in many cases, can enhance the experience. Single women in particular are in high demand. On the other hand, single men are not always welcome at all Lifestyle events Single men tend to make others feel uncomfortable and you will rarely find any swingers parties that allow single men in for that reason alone Many couples tend to look for another female to share a threesome experience with.
Q. Why the reluctance to include single men?
A. There are several reasons for this. One is that some men are not comfortable with just another man being involved with his partner, if he has no one to play with. Another reason is that some women are not comfortable with the idea of an unmarried man being with them. They are only interested in a shared experience with their partner.
Probably the biggest reason is that there are too many single men that just do not understand what the Lifestyle is all about, and think of it as a free for all, or a sex smorgasbord. Those single men tend to be aggressive in pursuing women, and often do not show the kind of respect that women want and deserve whcih can lead to a very unpleasant situation.
Now, not all single men are like this. They DO show women respect, and just as importantly, they show respect to the male half, as well. Unfortunately, the bad ones have made it much harder for the good ones to hook up with couples. Many Lifestyle events exclude single men. Others allow them only if escorted by a couple, and the couple is responsible for the single males behavior.
Q. What is this bi curious thing?
A. A lot of people come into the Lifestyle because they have had certain feelings or fantasies and they want to explore them. Some of those may include have some form of sexual relations with the same sex. Most people who refer to themselves as bi curious want to try it, but have not done so yet. Some people keep the designation if they have tried it, liked it, would do it again, but still prefer the opposite sex.
Those that refer to themselves as bi, prefer to have sexual relations with the same sex. They will have sex with the opposite sex. In fact, many are in a conventional marriage, but when they play, they play with the same sex. Most times new couples or singles looking to get involved with swinging will say they are bi curious as a way to slowly dip their foot into the water so to speak with no major expectations from those they choose to meet and play with.
It is best to be respectful of everyones limits, and to discuss before beginning any sexual contact. That way, there will not be any unpleasant surprises.
Q. We would like to get into this lifestyle, but are afraid of family and friends finding out. How do we protect ourselves?
A. There are no 100% sure fire ways of protecting your identity. Afterall, the act of meeting someone in and of itself exposes you. Fortunately, 99.9% of the people in the Lifestyle feel the same way as you do, and will guard your secret in return for you guarding theirs. If those who enjoy meeting and playing with trust the fact you will keep your encounters together private it will make all feel more comfortable in the long run.
If you create a profile on one of the many swinger sites, like SexxyMofo, you do not have to post any pictures if you choose not to. You can also post pictures, but limit who can see them, as well as, post them in a Private Password Section that only you can grant another member access to see. We recommend that tactic, as most people will want to see at least a face picture before meeting. Many people use assumed names, assumed towns, and unfortunately, even assumed ages, to help protect their identity. We do not encourage lying about your age. The rest is fine, as long as you fess up about the truth if you click with the other couple.
Q. Do you have to become a member?
A. SexxyMofo offers FREE Trial Membership, but only for a limited time. Either way, they only request basic information, and you NEVER have to give your real name. Just enter enough information so that you will attract interest. Empty or partial profiles get little attention, especially from seasoned swingers so make sure to fill out as much detail as possible so you get noticed by other members.
Q. What is the difference between Soft Swap and Full Swap?
A. It is important that you understand the differences between these terms, as it will impact who is willing to be with you.
Soft Swap basically means that you will not have intercourse with the other couple. However, there are still limits as to how far some people will go. There are those that feel that kissing is too intimate, but oral sex is OK so you should just ask the other couple how they feel. Others allow touching, but no oral. You absolutely must establish what you are comfortable with, and find out what the other couple is willing to do, way before you start to play. This will avoid hurt feelings and embarrassing moments and allow a more comfortable environment to play in.
Full Swap means that the man from one couple will have full intercourse with the woman from the other couple. It is very important that all parties involved understand that this is a potential outcome, should you get together with them. However, there is no guarantee that intercourse will happen when the playtime starts No still means No, and no one should ever be pushed into doing something they are not comfortable with. It doesn`t matter that someone may have consented one time. It is not a given that it will happen every time. Respect everyone`s wishes at all times.
Q. We are concerned about Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Is this activity safe?
A. Sexually Transmitted Diseases are a concern in any sexually active group. We recommend that Safe Sex be practiced at all times in the lifestyle community. It is very difficult to know the sexual history of people you meet. Therefore, it is not worth the risk. There are so many different condoms on the market now that do not detract for the sexual pleasure and experience, that it makes no sense not to use them.
Q. We are confused about on premise vs. off premise swingers clubs. Are on premise swingers clubs just orgies?
A. Off premise clubs are often held in a public place, and do not allow sexual contact. They may or may not allow partial nudity, meaning topless, and some oral sex. On premise swingers clubs are usually held at a private location, which could be a private club with the proper licenses or a private house also known as house parties. On premise swingers clubs could be orgies, but they rarely are, unless advertised as such. They are usually just a place where sexual contact is allowed and encouraged. Most still have rules which must be honored, and as always, No means No. We know of house parties where participation is expected, and you need to know that upfront. Some clubs make accommodations for voyeurism, some have private rooms, others have both, and others may have themed rooms for every type of swinger or fantasy.
Q. I have been trying for a month and a half to meet people on some swinger sites. I am a better than average looking guy, but I am not having any luck. Can you really meet people on sites such as SexxyMofo?
A. You should not expect to hook up with others so quickly, especially if you are a single guy interested in the lifestyle. It can sometimes take a while to weed through the fakes and picture traders. We find that single males who spend quality time in the swinger chat rooms are able to show that they are not creeps and rude, which can make them more attractive to others. Take your time, and let your personality come out.
Ed & Veronica
